I need an umbrella.

I don’t care for umbrellas. They get in the way when you have them, and you never have one when you need one. But I also don’t like being wet, and April’s coming up (Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? A: Smallpox).

The way I see it, there are essentially three choices when it comes to umbrellas:

  1. Full-size
  2. Collapsible
  3. Hidden sword

So let’s break it down:

Full size umbrellas:

Pros: You can use it like a cane, twirl it around, and dance with light posts.

Cons: You look like you’d “rather be golfing.” It’s cumbersome. You look like an asshole if it turns out to be a clear day.

Collapsible umbrellas:

Pros: Convenient.

Cons: They’re fucking worthless.

Hidden sword umbrellas:

Pros: You can defend yourself if you ever get mugged (note: you will not. You will cry and ineffectually throw your wallet to the mugger begging for your life. Which is the right thing to do in this situation).

Con: Batman will kick your ass.

Okay, so all the traditional choices suck. And when traditional choices fail, we turn to the crankpots:

TheĀ Blunt Umbrella:

Blunt Umbrella (wired.com)

And the Senz Umbrella:

Senz Umbrella (yankodesign.com)

As always, I end up deciding between two ridiculously priced versions of something I could get for $7. But the last $7 umbrella I had was a purple collapsible that my Canadienne roommate left behind, and after one day in a Chicago rainstorm it ended up prolapsed in less than five minutes.

So let’s break it down one more time:

Blunt Umbrella:

Pros: Looks pretty normal.

Cons: It doesn’t do anything to combat the integral design flaw of the traditional umbrella. It just tries to shore up the levees, so to speak. You look like you still use safety scissors.

Senz Umbrella:

Pros: They claim it can withstand 70mph winds. And if I’m in 70mph winds, moisture will be the least of my concerns.

Cons: You look like an AT-AT commandander:

General Veers

Final call?

Umbrella hat!

Umbrella hat!

Published in: on March 8, 2010 at 10:37 pm  Leave a Comment