On tattoos.

Tattoos are the ultimate in personalization. Ultimate as in ‘last’. As in they ‘last’ forever.

And that’s not a bad thing, necessarily. But there are three criteria you must meet:

1) It’s got to be good. And what defines a good tattoo? Hard to say. But we can easily define a bad one. Let’s start with these:

  • Nothing in a language you don’t speak
  • Nothing tribal unless you are part of an actual tribe
  • Nothing that’s already in the artist’s book. This is supposed to be unique, right?

2) Location, location, location. Here’s how your tattoo translates, by body part:

  • Lower back: “I honestly did not think this would get me labeled as ‘easy.'”
  • Ankle/Upper arm: “I’m badass, and you will learn this at the company picnic.”
  • Neck: “I do not want this job.”

3) Realize that a tattoo is a social contract to always keep yourself in peak physical condition. Even the best ink loses its luster on your pale, flabby arm. It’s a fine line between edgy and ugly, my friend.

But what is my point? Why is someone who will never see the inside of a tattoo parlor doling out advice? I’ll tell you why. As an excuse to post this:

Yippee Kay Yay

Yippee Kay Yay

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Published in: on April 6, 2010 at 1:20 am  Leave a Comment  

Lego enlists.

image

This appeals to me on so many levels.

Published in: on March 8, 2010 at 11:20 pm  Leave a Comment  

I need an umbrella.

I don’t care for umbrellas. They get in the way when you have them, and you never have one when you need one. But I also don’t like being wet, and April’s coming up (Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? A: Smallpox).

The way I see it, there are essentially three choices when it comes to umbrellas:

  1. Full-size
  2. Collapsible
  3. Hidden sword

So let’s break it down:

Full size umbrellas:

Pros: You can use it like a cane, twirl it around, and dance with light posts.

Cons: You look like you’d “rather be golfing.” It’s cumbersome. You look like an asshole if it turns out to be a clear day.

Collapsible umbrellas:

Pros: Convenient.

Cons: They’re fucking worthless.

Hidden sword umbrellas:

Pros: You can defend yourself if you ever get mugged (note: you will not. You will cry and ineffectually throw your wallet to the mugger begging for your life. Which is the right thing to do in this situation).

Con: Batman will kick your ass.

Okay, so all the traditional choices suck. And when traditional choices fail, we turn to the crankpots:

TheĀ Blunt Umbrella:

Blunt Umbrella (wired.com)

And the Senz Umbrella:

Senz Umbrella (yankodesign.com)

As always, I end up deciding between two ridiculously priced versions of something I could get for $7. But the last $7 umbrella I had was a purple collapsible that my Canadienne roommate left behind, and after one day in a Chicago rainstorm it ended up prolapsed in less than five minutes.

So let’s break it down one more time:

Blunt Umbrella:

Pros: Looks pretty normal.

Cons: It doesn’t do anything to combat the integral design flaw of the traditional umbrella. It just tries to shore up the levees, so to speak. You look like you still use safety scissors.

Senz Umbrella:

Pros: They claim it can withstand 70mph winds. And if I’m in 70mph winds, moisture will be the least of my concerns.

Cons: You look like an AT-AT commandander:

General Veers

Final call?

Umbrella hat!

Umbrella hat!

Published in: on March 8, 2010 at 10:37 pm  Leave a Comment